The Theory of Cuteness

All right the last couple blogs have been pretty serious so we will tone it down a little and have some fun. Then maybe I will post something totally depressing I guess we will all have to just keep hoping. Ha Ha…

So if you have known me for a while you have probably heard my Theory of Cuteness, I formulated this in high school because I had friends who were girls. That is all it takes and you can be a scientist. But this is the first time it has been written down in publish-ability form. This is meant as a total joke, I am really not sexist or anything like that just hear me out to the end and consider it a funny observation. Although by saying that upfront I have probably set myself up for hate mail. So all hate mail should be sent to mitchellloper@hotmail.com that is my e-mail address for when my name was Mitchell it was like some time last year, I’m not having all my hate mail sent to my roommate.


”My hypothesis is that “All (remember it’s a joke) miniature items (people and animals will be items), that is items that have a larger version, are going to be considered cute in the eyes of all (remember it’s a joke) of the female persuasion. Now this is not a condition for cuteness, items can be cute without being a miniature version of a particular item. An example of this would be a man in his mid thirties can be cute without being a miniature version, a large elephant can be cute, but a baby elephant is always cute no mater what. So an item does not have to be a miniature to be cute but if it is a miniature it is cute.

So now that every female I have ever met is appalled and disgusted let us test my theory. I will start with the easy ones. Babies are miniature versions of humans, babies are cute. Those small Pop cans that are supposed to make us feel better about not drinking so much processed sugar, cute! Miniature M&M’s CUTE!!! You are having a romantic walk through the park and see those little purple flowers (miniature flowers, there are bigger ones right? I’m no flower expert) and you say “oh look so CUTE!!!” You are at the pet store and see a little puppy (miniature dog) and you say “Oh look a tha widdle puppy, oh come here boy I wuv you so much I just wana kiss you and hug you and wuv you foeva, cause you are just so CUTE!!!” At this point I pull out all my hair and go running into oncoming traffic.



So some of those items are cute without being smaller but a pop can who thinks pop cans are cute, ah only crazy people. Let’s look at some other normal everyday items and see if miniature items would be considered cute. Silverware for example, lets say you have a fork, and then you have a miniature fork, oh so cute with its tiny pointed prongs. Lunch Box and tiny Lunch Box look at the cute little metal flipping locking thingy cute little handle. What if I was typing on a miniature keyboard, oh so cute next to his big ugly fingers, type type type, typing all the cuteness. O.K. I think I’ve made my point. Miniature versions of everyday items are cute.



So let’s take this to the next level. What about items that are gross or ugly? Think about an ugly man, he’s got a big old nose, he’s a little unshaved, and is missing a couple teeth, now, *POOF* there is a miniature version of him. Looking at him hobbling around asking for tea and soup, ah he makes your heart melt and you yell out “Little man I can’t stay mad at you your so cute!”

Alright now it’s time to pull out the Big Gun (which is probably not that cute)!!! Let’s say you have a little pile of goose poop (Yes I said goose poop, hey look you can see any respect you had for me leaving, bye respect). NOT CUTE!!! In fact gross poop yuck, but lets say right next to that there is a little pile of goose poop. At first you look in and think that’s not so cute but then you turn your head to the right and start to think about the miniaturized goose that pooped the poop and the cellos kick in and the corners of your mouth start to curl and you start to think it’s not that gross. No this can’t be you fight back this foolishness, that can’t be cute, but then the clincher, the little man from above walks by and slips in the tiny pile of goose poop and starts laughing hysterically and you give in, the poop is CUTE!!! Oh cute little poop... Well I kind of had to cheat but I have had women tell me I was right that a little pile of goose poop would be cute.

Well there it is The Theory of Cuteness in all it’s glory (don’t blink you might miss it). Let me know what you think, sorry to have wasted your time...
I know there are a lot of pictures on this one but I thought it was appropriate because it is a very visually orientated message.

Remember to check out the other blog I have started to write for as well it is callled "Lunch with Scoitch and Nathleb" you will like it and I'm not the only one who writes for it so it might actually be worth checking out. I have a pretty busy week coming up so this will probably be it for about a week and a half, but we will see, I will check on comments in fact I would love to hear them on this stupid idea...

Ever wishing to be miniture so I would be cute,
Caleb M. Saarela

"mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex
infrastructure known as the female mind"
M. Thiessen